Who you spend time with and the quality of your relationships not only says a lot about who you are as a person, but it has a tremendous impact on your health. A now classic study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association showed that – even after controlling for risk factors like smoking, poverty low socio-economic status, alcohol consumption, lack of exercise and obesity – lack of social relationships, personality dispositions, and acute stress, including the stress of racism were better predictors for increased risk of death and disease. (i)
Other studies have shown that you are more likely to be overweight (and suffer from all of the resulting health consequences) if your friends are overweight than if your parents are overweight. And we are now learning that when you join together in community to lose weight and heal you are far more likely to succeed.
The Look Ahead Study, a 13-year study of 5,000 people funded by the National Institutes of Health, compared an intensive group lifestyle change program for diabetes prevention to regular medical care with individual visits to the diabetic educator, nutritionist, and doctor.
To date, the group lifestyle program has proven remarkably more effective in lowering weight, cholesterol, blood sugar, and blood pressure than conventional medical care.(ii) Once this study is completed, it will completely change our way of thinking about how to treat disease.
We get better together. The community is the cure.
So what happens when our relationships suffer?
For many people, relationships are a major source of stress. As much as you love and need them, your parents, partner, children, boss, and even your friends can be the cause of a lot of aggravation. The resultant stress can have a tremendous impact on your health.
As my friend and colleague Christaine Northrup, MD points out in the newly revised edition of her book The Wisdom of Menopause, midlife can be an especially difficult time to navigate tough relationship issues. She says:
“It is no secret that relationship crises are a common side effect of menopause. Usually this is attributed to the crazy-making effects of the hormonal shifts occurring in a woman’s body at this time of transition. What is rarely acknowledged or understood is that as these hormone-driven changes affect the brain, they give a woman a sharper eye for inequity and injustice, and a voice that insists on speaking up about them. In other words, they uncover hidden wisdom—and the courage to voice it. As the vision-obscuring veil created by the hormones of reproduction begins to lift, a woman’s youthful fire and spirit are often rekindled, together with long-sublimated desires and creative drives. Midlife fuels those drives with a volcanic energy that demands an outlet.
“If it does not find an outlet—if the woman remains silent for the sake of keeping the peace at home or work, or if she holds herself back from pursuing her creative urges and desires—the result is equivalent to plugging the vent on a pressure cooker: Something has to give. Very often what gives is the woman’s health, and the result will be one or more of the “big three” diseases of postmenopausal women: heart disease, depression, and breast cancer. On the other hand, for those of us who choose to honor the body’s wisdom and to express what lies within us, it’s a good idea to get ready for some boat rocking, which may put long-established relationships in upheaval. Marriage is not immune to this effect.”
And neither are your relationships with other family members.
Relationships change as we evolve. Sometimes changes you are trying to make cause the people around you to feel uncomfortable. This is especially true when you are working on profound dietary and lifestyle changes—changes that are often needed to heal your mind, body, and spirit.
Your friends and family may wonder how your newly adopted lifestyle will affect them. They may ask: Are her dietary choices a subtle judgment on me? What if I don’t want to eat the same foods she does? (This one especially comes up in families.) What will we do together now that she has chosen to spend her time doing new activities? Sometimes even changing your hairstyle is enough to stir the pot!
So how do you manage these situations? Here are some ideas from The Wisdom of Menopause:
- See it for the Petri dish it is. Experiment and expect resistance!
- Remind yourself that it’s okay not to be the good girl (or boy!) who sees to everyone’s needs except her own. This goes for any pattern you’re trying to break.
- As you end or update some relationships, you may feel a little sad. That’s okay. Grieve and let go. By doing so, you’ll be protecting your health for years to come.
- Laugh. Bringing humor into a situation almost always eases tension.
- Distance yourself—even if it means skipping the traditional family get together—so you don’t become emotional or stressed by others’ behavior.
Midlife and the menopausal transition in particular is a blessing, because it brings to light the things that no longer serve you. That can be your diet, your exercise regimen (or lack thereof), your career, and, of course, some of your relationships.
I know it seems scary. Holding on to the relationships you have – even if they aren’t supportive—may feel like a better choice than giving them up for the promise of new friends, love interests, or colleagues. But, be courageous!
Seeking out people who will truly support you on your journey to health is critical if you want to get and stay vibrantly healthy for life. What is waiting on the other side of the grief that can ensue with transition is a life filled with more health and happiness than you can imagine.
Learn more about navigating your own “change” in The Wisdom of Menopause.
Now I’d like to hear from you …
Have your relationships had an impact on your health? How have they impacted it and how have you managed these problems?
Have you had to make difficult relationship transitions? What was this like and how did changing help you heal?
How has menopause or midlife had an impact on your health and relationships and what steps are you taking to manage these changes?
Leave your thought by adding a comment below.
To your good health,
Mark Hyman, MD
(i) Paula M. Lantz; James S. House; James M. Lepkowski; David R. Williams; Richard P. Mero; Jieming Chen, Socioeconomic Factors, Health Behaviors, and Mortality: Results From a Nationally Representative Prospective Study of US Adult, JAMA, Jun 1998; 279: 1703 – 1708
(ii) Look AHEAD Research Group, Wing RR. Long-term effects of a lifestyle intervention on weight and cardiovascular risk factors in individuals with type 2 diabetes mellitus: four-year results of the Look AHEAD trial. Arch Intern Med. 2010 Sep 27;170(17):1566-75.
I have supported and encouraged my wife with her new hobbies and interests but at 60 she just cut off all/ anything to do with sex in our relationship! While I understand that penetrative sex is not possible, she refuses to discuss anything to do with the subject. Being sexually active I can’t adjust to this totally sexless relationship and am becoming resentful and more withdrawn. Any solution come to mind?
Dear Fred,
Thank you for sharing your concerns. Your wife is lucky to have you. First we suggest explaining that your needs are coming from a place of love and not ego/self involvement. Let her know that you “get” her and are here to support and continue loving her. Then, brainstorm ideas on how you might progress in your relationship to create a new dynamic for this new time in your life together which includes sensuality. Perhaps cooking healthy meals (which also support hormone balance and ample blood flow!) together with music, candles etc. can be a start. After brainstorming, choose 1 activity or idea to start on that day.
As for diet, perhaps she might benefit from reading this:http://www.danielplan.com/healthyhabits/hormones/
In good health
Lizzy
I totally agree that one must decide at times what relatoinships are still good for you.. After being divorced at 35 with a 3 year old, I tried to get back into the lifestyle of finding someone, met someone, but now at 48 have decided this wasn´t the right relationship for me either… you know, I am happy, the relationship was causing me all types of health hazards, I was diagnosed hypothyroidic, he was obsessed with me losing weight, I was stressed, always tired, he was never happy… I have been 5 months without this person near me and I am at peace, healthier, happier and maybe came to my own conclusion, that healthy friendships and family is the best for me… Sometimes a break away from all the things negative around us help us to get back on track of who we are, what we want and where we want to go… loved this article, tks…
Ms. Northrup has been a constant companion as a woman’s author who does not beat around the bush. She has a down to earth, every-woman perspective that has been excellent help over the years.
I come from a long line of long-lived women who did some of their best life-work after age 50–I seem to be doing the same. After 25+ years as a secretary I was laid off, out of work for 32 months, retrained and now I build airplanes for Boeing. THAT has been a huge change.
I emphasize that women remember that those around you, while perhaps being freaked out by your changes, can surprise you, While going through the clearing vision/perspective changes noted above by Ms. Northrup, it is important to clear your vision and NOT carry old prejudices. Others change too and someone who may have been a naysayer yesterday can be your cheerleader today. That same clearing of perspective has also made me totally intolerant of fools and those who want to waste my time. I used to be alot more tolerant of such, but no more. This has created for me a network of friends and family who are strong alone but willing to call out for help and truly be of help when necessary. A community of strength, wisdom, flexibility, peace, sharing, and great fun.
As I have traveled through menopause I believe the most important things I have avoided is pharmaceutical drugs and toxic relationships. Staying clear in my mind, soul and body is making the second half of my life more adventurous, interesting, fun and peaceful. I am honored to carry on the tradition of strong, hard working, long-lived women who make a difference in their community and enjoy their lives and their families.
I thank all the authors and influences who taught me that menopause is not a disease to be treated with medicine, it is a rite of passage that I have earned and can embrace and allow myself to be more than I ever dreamed.
Dr. Hyman, I went through menopause 6 years ago. All of the things you quoted from this book have held true for me. Everything. And I am making the changes I needed to, but before I did, I was that pressure cooker. It was horrible! I am so happy now.
All of these comments are directed at women, who have quantitative symptoms of menopause. But I really believe men go through a “change” of their own at about the same age, which makes marital harmony even harder.
I have been an holistic nutritionist for more than twenty years. I was in my twenties when I first began to study. It was then I first read Christiane Northrup’s book Women’s Bodies Women’s Wisdom and then her subsequent writings. I felt very prepared for peri-menopause and then menopause.
I am amazed at the array of symptoms that one can experience! I still think there is a book to be written about the various shadings of changes to the body, mind and spirit
First things first – I had to take care of the physical changes – hot flashes, sweats, insomnia (most of all) and then it was my mind along with the spirit.
I changed my supplementation to very different things than I thought I would be taking for menopause – licorice root, high potency efa’s and Estrium – all products by Metagenics. I have no symptoms at present and I sleep like a baby.
Then I started to workout ALOT. I feel the urgency of a competitor now – the veil is lifted. I became a Certified Personal Trainer at 49 years of age, a Zumba instructor at 50, and a Mind-Body Specialist at 51. I am approaching my 52nd birthday and I have just begun a blog talk radio show. I am craving more. I want to do more.
This is a totally unexpected outcome for me but then I am beginning to realize you really cannot predict menopause. I have counseled so many women over the years and thought I could determine my own outcome. It has been a challenge but an interesting one. I have also done a house cleaning of my relationships and it is as liberating as it is painful. Dr. Northrup’s description of a veil is so apt – which is why I love her work.
It is great to acknowledge the obstacles individuals face when making personal changes, whatever those changes may be, to one’s life. Such choices always challenge close relationships and sometimes if support is not given there are choices to be made. Surrounding yourself with like minded people has always been the best way to achieve your goal but achieving support and acceptance is not easy. I would be interested to read how you suggest one can acheive this.
I have several of your books and applied much of what I read to my life with a great deal of improvement to my general well being. You have reinforced what I believe about traditional medicine and opened my eyes in many ways. I continue to discover new ideas with each email, for which I am grateful. I am however extremley put off by the suggestion that menopause is a blessing. Maybe you should talk to women that currently struggle with the myriad of symptoms associated with menopause and asked them how blessed they feel.
It’s been hard for me for years to attend various family functions, but I went, anxiety and stressed and bored….after I got through perimenopause and after realizing I couldn’t tolerate the tension any more I took a stand and stop putting myself through the pretending. It was very hard at first. I felt guilty, sad and lonely. Now, I’m relieved and thankful not to have to force myself to go where I don’t want to go. More peace, more self respect and if true friends are available to get together, I even have fun! This change has led me to say to rude relatives that I can not tolerate their disrespect and has improved the relationships that matter, ones that I matter to them. The others, they made their choice to be angry at me and I am happy not to be around them!
I found that my tolerances for things had changed ie: I no longer have any tolerance for negative people, no tolerance for people who don’t care about people/their feelings, and no tolerance for people who find being mean to others (including me) their “right”. My New Years resolution last year was to only spend time with loving, caring, supportive people, in hopes that they would renew in me the loving,caring,and supported spirit that I once had (but had been burnt out in my relationships with people).
very nice article, love your way of talk.
Dear Dr. Hyman, I saw you on the Dr. Oz show and absolutely was facinated by the new “Functional Medicine.” I have always believed that conventional medicine did not cure anyone that they were given a bandaid. I have been very healthy all my life and never gave into the idea that I could not be healthy as I grew older. I am 55yrs young and made the decision to divorce my husband of 28 yrs. I was so unhappy and had anxiety and panic attacks. I totally agree that during menapause, our bodies and minds go through wonderful changes. I love to learn about what foods keep us healthy and how people were cured of diseases by changing their diets. I am so happy that the medical profession is “waking up” to these wonderful new ideas. I would love to find a doctor in my area who has these new ideas. Are there any in Massachusetts?
Thank you, Donna
Skipping Dessert Slim Down Menopause Women for more information
http://www.trendsfair.com/skipping-dessert-slim-down-menopause-women/
Missing treat, resting off meats and dairy products, and eating far more fresh fruits and eating fresh vegetables are the several easy guidelines above Fifties females must observe to support them slim lower, research workers say.
Dang it — I’m a healthy, active, health coach. I received my certifications in September, but healthy holistic living has been the golden thread throughout my life.
I’m also 56 and just now figuring out that my inability to concentrate or get things done, constant distractability, mood swings, anger and irritability, and lowered libido — its menopause. And it sucks!
I should have noticed, but the ongoing depression and dry skin is what finally called my attention to the issues of women in menopause. I guess I thought my GP would have made some suggestions. When I mentioned depression and anxiety to him 3 years ago, he said: “That’s situational and no medication can help it”
Well, I’m grateful to have figured this out, and on track to get the help I need. Figuring out who to reach out to in my area that might be covered by my insurance will be a major obstacle.
Thanks for further support. It’s a great article.
Nancy